well...  im feeling better than i was last time i wrote in here but ive been getting mega headaches... nic says they are probably stress headaches but im gonna go to the doctor tomorrow so well see.  my boyfriend isn't such an ass right now.. but in a few days who knows... lol... im an idiot for still being with him but whatever... hes leaving in august anyway for 5 years.  the navy sucks.  five years is a long time to wait... so i duno what to do.  his aunt is moving in with me.  so thats kinda cool... but weird i guess... but its not like shed be all weird with me if we broke up

so im thinking if the doctor says the headaches are stress or mental or whatnot i should maybe go to some sort of counsler or something.  i should probably do that anyway... esp since i have no motivation to do anything at all.  i know ive never really been motivated but this is just getting really bad.

oh my life should be a made for TV movie... it would be the best tv movie ever

sometimes i just want to end this life... not in a suicide kind of way... I just want to leave this life.  Start something new.  Leave everything behind.  Leave NIU, Leave all this crap thats been thrown at me.  A clean slate would be nice.  I hope this is all over soon.  It has to be.  One person can not handle all of this.  Especially alone.  Yeah, i have friends... some of my friends are awesome... but that doesn't really help.  im still doing all of this alone.  sometimes it feels like i have no one at all.  the closest people i have are 50 miles away.  my dad is in a new part of the country every day.  my mother is useless.  even my boyfriend is 45 minutes away. 

i cry so easliy these days.  nothing helps.  sure... i can hide it for a few hours when i have to but it always come right back out when im alone.  it doesn't accomplish anything anyway.

life is just so hard.  i struggle to get out of bed in the morning.  what do i really have to get out of bed for anyway?

For once I actually have a boyfriend I really like.  Its a new feeling for me.  It is the guy jessica set me up with.  I have been with this guy for 3 weeks, yeah.. i know... not a long time.  But normally by this time I'm thinking of ways to break up with a guy.  My last "real" relationship was exactly 1 month... i broke up with the guy on our one month anniversary, mean i know, but its not like he knew it was one month on that day.  I never should have dated that guy anyway.  He was too clingy and desperate.  I only agreed to go out with him because some friends told me to give him a chance.  I'm not going to listen to that stuff anymore.  If i have doubts about a relationship before it even starts i am not going to do it. 

Its really quite bad but i don't remember how long the relationship before that one was.  It was either just over 2 months or just under.  I don't remember if we made it to that 2 month mark.  2 months would be my longest relationship if it was.  I don't remember making the 2 month mark tho.  Either way it goes we didn't celebrate anything.  Our one month landed on 4-20 and we all know when you date a stoner you shouldn't expect anything on 4-20... not even a phone call.  He wasn't supposed to smoke anymore tho... his excuse for that one was that it was easter and he had family stuff to attend.   Yeah right.  I learned never to date a habitual pot smoker.  Especially one that is also a hypocritial liar. 

This guy is different than anyone ive ever even liked.  hes got tattoos, spikey hair.. and he actually has friends...lol.  Most of the guys ive dated or liked or had a fling with didnt' really have friends... they joined my group of friends.  Its not like these guys were social rejects... maybe they just liked my friends better, i dunno... This guy actually makes me answer his questions, no matter how much i try to aviod answering.  He does and says cute things... like making sure ive gone the fastest with him in a car...lol and he counted the number of days until he is my longest relationship...

anyway... im sure no one really cares, but im actually happy for once.